a very regrated thing = the weak ME!

if i did not appear at that time at that place things will not happen....
if I was not there I will not have thing that I should not have and lost it....
if I did not lost it what will come next?
is next is my future?

Why do I do this to me?
Why do I let myself do this?
Why do I let others do this to me?
Why can't I stop it even though I know I should?
Why can't I move on?
Why do I stay on the same ground?
Why do I let myself suffer?
Why can't I face the real me?
Why do I hide from myself????

Loving myself first before loving anyone or being love by someone... I understand this theory but I can't do it anymore. I don't like myself so much that my friend can see that now. I am not the Chewy I am use to be. Not tough and strong anymore. I am just a weak loser now. So weak that I am losing myself to my weaknesses. I don't think I can keep going anymore.

But there is nothing I can do right now... but to let it go and forget about it! not possible but is it almost the end of the year... a new year going to start, hoping everything can be better and going smooth

fate game

what is happiness?
I know happiness can be easy and simple but I don't know how to blend this thoughts into my mind.
Hanging out with friends, drinking a good cup of coffee, or just being able to walk around can be consider as happiness.... But not enough i guess....
happiness is simple yet so far away... this might the joke of fate for me...
people who like me are not people I would want to be with, and people that I like will never see me! This is a never ending hide and seek... game from the fate..

Am I losing myself?

This winter break has been too wild compared to other winter break
Wild parties, wild actions, wild thoughts, and wild new friends......
All this wild events happened to me lately is super duper crazy....
not just that, everything in my brain are too crazy and Cody kept telling me to control myself but I think I don't want to or I don't know how.
Controlling myself used to be something I do and hide real good but once I'm at that house with those people, I can't control... I just want to release myself to whoever I'm not use to be. I'm afraid this would end up with bad conclusions.

the NEW me 2

lately, I have been hanging out with tons of new friends and mostly guys. I think I'[m trying to revenge on something because things are not the same anymore and I don have anything to lose...
Since that day, everything have change and nothing will make a difference anymore... everything is the same and no difference.
There are guys that I hang out and talk to almost everyday, there are guys that I met almost every weekend and party, there are a group of Saudi Arabian guys were I party with hookah with them.
I kissed a girl last weekend for one of my dare. I dono if this is going to get worst or not but I know this is something I am enjoying a lot right now.

the NEW me

I have been in USA for 2 years, 3 months and 24 days. i have change so much that I can't even believe this is the new me.
From a normal and conservative Malaysian to the current me.
Nowadays, I drink.. I party... I do Hookah... I did dip.... and some other things that I can never believe I would do and never thought I would have in my mind. I always have thought that I don think I should have and they are horrible thoughts.
This is the new no more nice and innocent Chewy.

finals week

it is my finals week... i am so stress out but I did something amazingly fun last week to distress.
let me tell you the story
I went to my Saudi Arabian's house and with the French guy because he just broke up with his girl therefore he needed all the fun he needs. So we went to a party and tried their double apple hookah at the same time drinking a couple shots of absolute Vodka.. then my French guy friend left with 2 American girls... soon enough I got light headed and stop...
Then I have to go to my second party down the street. After I sober up, I drove to my American friend's house for my 2nd party. hihihiii I'm a partier now
At the American friend's house we played truth or dare. I have played truth or dare before but this game never been this extreme. They we like mixing different things and eat or drink them, eating candle, licking butt frow, etc.... do you want to know what did they dare me to do??
I was dare to do a shotgun (poking a hole on the beer can and drink from the hole and open up the opening), body shot (drinking liquor from one's belly button), let Brandon grab my boob, and I had to kiss Rowdy. What a crazy night. I was there til 6.30 am...
that's how I distress now

deserve or not deserve?

As I was testing a friend of mine. We were talking about everyone deserve to have someone along their lives. Is that even possible? Since there are 1:3 ratio of female to male. That is a huge difference in quantity.

He kept asking me to be brave and accept him into my life but I rejected him 3 times so far. I felt like I am such a jerk. After what I have been through for the past month is not fun at all and is something I will not forget for the rest of my life. This nightmare may haunt me for the rest of my life therefore I don't think I should accept any guy who are as nice as him, which at the end he would get hurt.

Hurting someone is not a new thing to me but hurting more will not be my goal. Especially hurting someone I really care and care about me. That is just cruel.

We text each other everyday since we met. We can text all day long and talk about pretty much everything. But for the past 2 days our conversation ended with talking about relationship and I am stressing out now because he really wanted to have a relationship with me and I kept running away from him. I wanted to say "Do you want to be my someone?" to make me feel better and giving us a chance. But I can't be so selfish and hurt him.

life is tougher as the days go by.....