chocolate~~~

Who says chocolate can release endorphine, which is a happy hormone....
this fact is not true at all.... i ate like a whole box... don't feel anything at all~~~ argh

Beautiful vase vs. ugly duckling!!!!

Beautiful vase is also gather by others but not an ugly duckling will always be left alone. Not just an ugly duckling but also have a black heart. No one would care if the ugly duckling is happy or not and no one want to be around the ugly duckling. I'm sure there will be someone out there have a different concept on beautiful vase and see through the ugly duckling and maybe see a shining star.

Watching the people around the ugly duckling, happiness feels like slipping away but sadness is just right around the corner. Sadness and loneliness always kept knocking on the door and calling. The biggest issue is the ugly duckling cannot resist answering the door or calls or even text.

Ugly duckling is clear that that star it met is not the shining star but the ugly duckling still walk towards the star, is it because of loneliness, which can cause sadness.

The unshine star

A friend told me today there is a star watching over us and represents us. Once you meet the Right star, my star going to shine like it never would within this year. Therefore we imply a bet starting today the Feb 3, 2010 and ends on the Feb 3, 2011 that I would find THE STAR that would shine up my star like it never shines before. My friend was so sure that I would find someone this year would help me forget my past, but deep down inside me I do not believe that but I wanted to believe him so much I'm not sure what to believe anymore.

Is really finding the right star would help forget my unpleasant experience? I doubt it but I want to happen so I could experience what I have not experience before. Experimenting is one great experience that only you can understand yourself.

My star have not been shining lately because of my horrible experience and I can't let it go. I tried so hard but it does come back and haunt me once in a while that would ruin my whole plan and emotions. I really hope this star would come and repair my not shining star that is desperately needed to re-shine itself to the world.

I sure people still thinks my star is shining because I have put an mask over it for disguise. Hiding from others and running away from others and hoping someone going to come after me, but so far no one is doing that. I'm just running forward away from everyone. Further and further, and further away from people. I may be still around people but not my star.

missed opportunities

When an opportunity appears in front of my face I tend to miss and let it go
After it went away, there is me sitting under my cover and droplets of diamond running down my cheeks....
Another opportunity came across my face there I let it went away again... there is no way another opportunity going to appear around me again...

I just have to face this myself and know the main face this all my own...

turn over a new leaf!

I realize that my crappy life has not turn over a new leaf but I think I am going to turn over a new leaf. I am going to forget whatever have had happen to me for the pass 3 months and find back the old Chewy because this new Chewy is not going to turn out good for my future and the old Chewy will keep me on track on whatever I need to do...

People keep saying forget and forgive... It is not that easy to when shits happened on yourself. I use to be a happy go lucky person but everything change and I tend to hide my feelings even more and try not to be myself anymore. This is kicking my ass and I'm exhausted from whatever I'm doing now..

Time for another change for a better life and better Chewy!!!

no more miracle

I always believe that there my faith falls within my hands but now I understand that is not the case anymore...
everyone's faith is already set and nothing going to change anything... God has set a trail for each one of us to walk through and we have no choice to pick and choose...
why people take advantage of people when they are hurt, lonely, or feeling guilty... how can human being can be such inhumane. ridiculously retarded and i'm tired

a very regrated thing = the weak ME!

if i did not appear at that time at that place things will not happen....
if I was not there I will not have thing that I should not have and lost it....
if I did not lost it what will come next?
is next is my future?

Why do I do this to me?
Why do I let myself do this?
Why do I let others do this to me?
Why can't I stop it even though I know I should?
Why can't I move on?
Why do I stay on the same ground?
Why do I let myself suffer?
Why can't I face the real me?
Why do I hide from myself????

Loving myself first before loving anyone or being love by someone... I understand this theory but I can't do it anymore. I don't like myself so much that my friend can see that now. I am not the Chewy I am use to be. Not tough and strong anymore. I am just a weak loser now. So weak that I am losing myself to my weaknesses. I don't think I can keep going anymore.

But there is nothing I can do right now... but to let it go and forget about it! not possible but is it almost the end of the year... a new year going to start, hoping everything can be better and going smooth

fate game

what is happiness?
I know happiness can be easy and simple but I don't know how to blend this thoughts into my mind.
Hanging out with friends, drinking a good cup of coffee, or just being able to walk around can be consider as happiness.... But not enough i guess....
happiness is simple yet so far away... this might the joke of fate for me...
people who like me are not people I would want to be with, and people that I like will never see me! This is a never ending hide and seek... game from the fate..

Am I losing myself?

This winter break has been too wild compared to other winter break
Wild parties, wild actions, wild thoughts, and wild new friends......
All this wild events happened to me lately is super duper crazy....
not just that, everything in my brain are too crazy and Cody kept telling me to control myself but I think I don't want to or I don't know how.
Controlling myself used to be something I do and hide real good but once I'm at that house with those people, I can't control... I just want to release myself to whoever I'm not use to be. I'm afraid this would end up with bad conclusions.

the NEW me 2

lately, I have been hanging out with tons of new friends and mostly guys. I think I'[m trying to revenge on something because things are not the same anymore and I don have anything to lose...
Since that day, everything have change and nothing will make a difference anymore... everything is the same and no difference.
There are guys that I hang out and talk to almost everyday, there are guys that I met almost every weekend and party, there are a group of Saudi Arabian guys were I party with hookah with them.
I kissed a girl last weekend for one of my dare. I dono if this is going to get worst or not but I know this is something I am enjoying a lot right now.