sometimes I felt worthless. I felt you do not appreciate me at all. You do not spend time to make me happy you just stay away from me and sleep in the other room. Am I really that worthless for you to come and make me laugh again. You always you want me to be happy but whenever I am really unhappy you stay away from me sight and kept quiet. That do not make me happy, just make me feel the way I am feeling right now.
I understand you have been through a lot with your previous relationships. But what make this a different one. I am sure this is not how you treat someone you care. If you care, you won't be able to sleep so deep and not knowing I am tearing my eyeballs out in the other room. Am i just someone you take as a replacement from your lost? or I am just someone is there for your convenience? Whenever your family told me about your exs being mean to you and you are happy with me right now. I was very thrill that I am sure I have made a correct decision to stay with you. But this is getting overrated for me to keep up.
We talked about your previous girlfriends. You said you treated them the way you treated me. I do not think so. I am not sure if I moved away from Edmond you are still going to drive every week to see me like you did before.
We have been dating for 5 months, you never put our picture together on Facebook, even though it is saying you are in a relationship with me. Plus, I always try to post my feelings on there but you never pay attention or even care enough to read. Lately, I have been feeling my heart is going to stop on me or just an empty heart chamber in my chest.
Before I met you, I have been through some unfortunate incident that will always haunt me forever. But I am trying my best to not effect our relationship. I know it can be too much nonsense sometimes but I cannot help it. You never mention anything about that incident, if just seems like you do not care. Remember, when we visited your grandparents in July. We had a stupid little fight and you told me you wanted to cry but you can't. I want to tell you that it's because you do not care enough about me to cry for me and I think I have cared too much to cry almost once a week. I always tell myself no point of crying but warm tears just start to overflow.
I may not have any experience about love but I really hope this is a happy ending for me.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
爱 or 不爱
原来爱就不过如此
本来还以为这就是爱, 原来只是我白痴
相信了 到后来还是自己辛苦, 伤心.
But i really cannot imagine my life without him. I'll so screwed that I probably won;t be able to stand up by myself.
I thought this will be it but after 133 days, i just realize that this is a lie and probably will never happen to me again in this lifetime.
I was angry but soon I realize that I DO NOT have the right to be angry. because everything is a lie and i just have to accept all this with or without willingness.
这叫自找苦头,自找麻烦
本来还以为这就是爱, 原来只是我白痴
相信了 到后来还是自己辛苦, 伤心.
But i really cannot imagine my life without him. I'll so screwed that I probably won;t be able to stand up by myself.
I thought this will be it but after 133 days, i just realize that this is a lie and probably will never happen to me again in this lifetime.
I was angry but soon I realize that I DO NOT have the right to be angry. because everything is a lie and i just have to accept all this with or without willingness.
这叫自找苦头,自找麻烦
Thursday, June 17, 2010
relationship
I have not been blogging for a while because I have been having some issue with myself lately.
What is a relationship?
the dictionary said it is a state of connectedness between people.
Am I in a relationship?
This question I have been asking myself for many times. I am with someone but I DO NOT feel the connectedness between the two of us. It has been very frustrating because I don't want to end this relationship, therefore I kept trying to connect. The connection between us just never works. Is this my problem or his? I do not know.
I know he has tons of pressures on him but he doesn't seem care. That really bother me for him just talking about what he wants but not really taking an action. Opportunity is not just going to fell of the sky into our hands. I do not know what I see in him but I hope I am blind forever.
Money has been a big issue for me but he's not helping at all. He's not even paying for anything but his car insurance and gas. I really don't know how long I can take this with him.
He mentioned early in this relationship that he doesn't want to hurt me. unfortunately he has been hurting me for a while bit by bit without seeing the wound.
Should I go back to my life I used to have for 22 years before I met him? I don't know what is the best decision for both of us to be happy and less worries.
Why relationship have to be so difficult and heart breaking?
What is a relationship?
the dictionary said it is a state of connectedness between people.
Am I in a relationship?
This question I have been asking myself for many times. I am with someone but I DO NOT feel the connectedness between the two of us. It has been very frustrating because I don't want to end this relationship, therefore I kept trying to connect. The connection between us just never works. Is this my problem or his? I do not know.
I know he has tons of pressures on him but he doesn't seem care. That really bother me for him just talking about what he wants but not really taking an action. Opportunity is not just going to fell of the sky into our hands. I do not know what I see in him but I hope I am blind forever.
Money has been a big issue for me but he's not helping at all. He's not even paying for anything but his car insurance and gas. I really don't know how long I can take this with him.
He mentioned early in this relationship that he doesn't want to hurt me. unfortunately he has been hurting me for a while bit by bit without seeing the wound.
Should I go back to my life I used to have for 22 years before I met him? I don't know what is the best decision for both of us to be happy and less worries.
Why relationship have to be so difficult and heart breaking?
Thursday, May 13, 2010
not happy during happy moments
graduation, vacation, family visiting, and birthdays should be happy moments
unfortunately, not mine. this graduation trip with my parents in San Diego and Las Vegas has not been pleasant. Tears and arguments constant throughout this trip. i have another 6 days with them and i am afraid i will hate them so much that i will never want to talk to them and they will hate me enough that they will disagree with my choices and never want to support me anymore. i really want to be independent but i can't for the meanwhile, however our relationship are not going well AT ALL.
i am ready to head home and hope everything can get back to before the graduation where they are not here. i know the more i love the more i hate... this i totally the case, and i don't want this to head to that case right now
plus the aunt are not helping at all.. she is fucking annoying!!!!!!!!!!!
unfortunately, not mine. this graduation trip with my parents in San Diego and Las Vegas has not been pleasant. Tears and arguments constant throughout this trip. i have another 6 days with them and i am afraid i will hate them so much that i will never want to talk to them and they will hate me enough that they will disagree with my choices and never want to support me anymore. i really want to be independent but i can't for the meanwhile, however our relationship are not going well AT ALL.
i am ready to head home and hope everything can get back to before the graduation where they are not here. i know the more i love the more i hate... this i totally the case, and i don't want this to head to that case right now
plus the aunt are not helping at all.. she is fucking annoying!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
no where to hide from my feelings
it has been a while since i blog now i want to start again due to complication on my feelings.
i have been dating with this first man in my life for almost 7 weeks now. things should be going great but this feelings i have is just overwhelming
i have been with only me and myself for the longest time in my life. Now, i let him moved into my heart and he start to make it homey by decorating it and putting up pictures and wallpapers. But i am not sure if I'm in his. I am not sure if I moved into him heart. I said he loves me but I do not feel it. I guess words are not enough for me anymore, especially from him. He uses the LOVE word so frequently that I think he don't how powerful his word is meant to me. He calls me "Hon" but I just heard him calling another gal "HON" this morning. Makes me wonder if he uses that word to everyone. I call him "Babe" but I don use that word on others. He broke me because he made me fragile and weak now. Feelings are out of my control now. Sleep can even help to solve this problem. Usually sleep can help me dissolve whatever feelings i have and let it pass. not this one~
by letting him moved in, and putting in new things. he has puncture the wall, what if one day he moved out. the hole will be there forever. The unenclosed scar will be there forever. Even though he is still living in there, but the scar is getting bigger whenever i am thinking about this matter.
He loves Japan and he knows Japanese, plus he used to date Japaneses. This concern me that he will leave me for a pretty, petite Japanese girl. Leaving the wounded me behind.
I really hate the broken me. So weak and helpless. I used to be able to act nothing is wrong but it is getting harder now. Harder to hide from my feelings.
i have been dating with this first man in my life for almost 7 weeks now. things should be going great but this feelings i have is just overwhelming
i have been with only me and myself for the longest time in my life. Now, i let him moved into my heart and he start to make it homey by decorating it and putting up pictures and wallpapers. But i am not sure if I'm in his. I am not sure if I moved into him heart. I said he loves me but I do not feel it. I guess words are not enough for me anymore, especially from him. He uses the LOVE word so frequently that I think he don't how powerful his word is meant to me. He calls me "Hon" but I just heard him calling another gal "HON" this morning. Makes me wonder if he uses that word to everyone. I call him "Babe" but I don use that word on others. He broke me because he made me fragile and weak now. Feelings are out of my control now. Sleep can even help to solve this problem. Usually sleep can help me dissolve whatever feelings i have and let it pass. not this one~
by letting him moved in, and putting in new things. he has puncture the wall, what if one day he moved out. the hole will be there forever. The unenclosed scar will be there forever. Even though he is still living in there, but the scar is getting bigger whenever i am thinking about this matter.
He loves Japan and he knows Japanese, plus he used to date Japaneses. This concern me that he will leave me for a pretty, petite Japanese girl. Leaving the wounded me behind.
I really hate the broken me. So weak and helpless. I used to be able to act nothing is wrong but it is getting harder now. Harder to hide from my feelings.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
revived life
Last year November 6 was the end of the world for me but I have struggle through those horrible days and it will always haunt me for the rest of my life. Fortunately, he came into my life and so far everything have been great. March 19, 2010 was the DAY he moved into my life and start to make an effect on my life. I really hope this relationship would stay as long as possible because I really like Will and I think he likes me too.
Things can be complicated now because I am graduating in May and needed to find a job of school so that I won't get deported. I wanted to stay here with Will and have a great future with him. He suddenly used the word "wife" yesterday which surprise me, we only been hanging out at my place for 3 days and officially been in relationship for 2 days and he already use that word, which scare me a little. either he really likes me or he just wanted to say things would make the other half believes in him. I am confuse and I am afraid I will get hurt just like me pulling myself away from most situation.
Things can be complicated now because I am graduating in May and needed to find a job of school so that I won't get deported. I wanted to stay here with Will and have a great future with him. He suddenly used the word "wife" yesterday which surprise me, we only been hanging out at my place for 3 days and officially been in relationship for 2 days and he already use that word, which scare me a little. either he really likes me or he just wanted to say things would make the other half believes in him. I am confuse and I am afraid I will get hurt just like me pulling myself away from most situation.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
chocolate~~~
Who says chocolate can release endorphine, which is a happy hormone....
this fact is not true at all.... i ate like a whole box... don't feel anything at all~~~ argh
this fact is not true at all.... i ate like a whole box... don't feel anything at all~~~ argh
Beautiful vase vs. ugly duckling!!!!
Beautiful vase is also gather by others but not an ugly duckling will always be left alone. Not just an ugly duckling but also have a black heart. No one would care if the ugly duckling is happy or not and no one want to be around the ugly duckling. I'm sure there will be someone out there have a different concept on beautiful vase and see through the ugly duckling and maybe see a shining star.
Watching the people around the ugly duckling, happiness feels like slipping away but sadness is just right around the corner. Sadness and loneliness always kept knocking on the door and calling. The biggest issue is the ugly duckling cannot resist answering the door or calls or even text.
Ugly duckling is clear that that star it met is not the shining star but the ugly duckling still walk towards the star, is it because of loneliness, which can cause sadness.
Watching the people around the ugly duckling, happiness feels like slipping away but sadness is just right around the corner. Sadness and loneliness always kept knocking on the door and calling. The biggest issue is the ugly duckling cannot resist answering the door or calls or even text.
Ugly duckling is clear that that star it met is not the shining star but the ugly duckling still walk towards the star, is it because of loneliness, which can cause sadness.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
The unshine star
A friend told me today there is a star watching over us and represents us. Once you meet the Right star, my star going to shine like it never would within this year. Therefore we imply a bet starting today the Feb 3, 2010 and ends on the Feb 3, 2011 that I would find THE STAR that would shine up my star like it never shines before. My friend was so sure that I would find someone this year would help me forget my past, but deep down inside me I do not believe that but I wanted to believe him so much I'm not sure what to believe anymore.
Is really finding the right star would help forget my unpleasant experience? I doubt it but I want to happen so I could experience what I have not experience before. Experimenting is one great experience that only you can understand yourself.
My star have not been shining lately because of my horrible experience and I can't let it go. I tried so hard but it does come back and haunt me once in a while that would ruin my whole plan and emotions. I really hope this star would come and repair my not shining star that is desperately needed to re-shine itself to the world.
I sure people still thinks my star is shining because I have put an mask over it for disguise. Hiding from others and running away from others and hoping someone going to come after me, but so far no one is doing that. I'm just running forward away from everyone. Further and further, and further away from people. I may be still around people but not my star.
Is really finding the right star would help forget my unpleasant experience? I doubt it but I want to happen so I could experience what I have not experience before. Experimenting is one great experience that only you can understand yourself.
My star have not been shining lately because of my horrible experience and I can't let it go. I tried so hard but it does come back and haunt me once in a while that would ruin my whole plan and emotions. I really hope this star would come and repair my not shining star that is desperately needed to re-shine itself to the world.
I sure people still thinks my star is shining because I have put an mask over it for disguise. Hiding from others and running away from others and hoping someone going to come after me, but so far no one is doing that. I'm just running forward away from everyone. Further and further, and further away from people. I may be still around people but not my star.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
missed opportunities
When an opportunity appears in front of my face I tend to miss and let it go
After it went away, there is me sitting under my cover and droplets of diamond running down my cheeks....
Another opportunity came across my face there I let it went away again... there is no way another opportunity going to appear around me again...
I just have to face this myself and know the main face this all my own...
After it went away, there is me sitting under my cover and droplets of diamond running down my cheeks....
Another opportunity came across my face there I let it went away again... there is no way another opportunity going to appear around me again...
I just have to face this myself and know the main face this all my own...
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